Secret to desire in a long term relationship
True Secrets of Lesbian Desire: Keeping Sex Alive in Long-Term Relationships by Renate StendhalRenate Stendhal sweeps out the old myths about bed death, the notion that lesbian couples tend to be too close to maintain sexual desire. Her own story and her talks with counseling clients prove the contrary. Stendhal shows that sex is the natural and continuous outcome of a closeness generated by bold honesty and the capacity to speak and hear intimate secrets. Sharing shameful desires and vulnerable fears is what love and sexual passion are made of.
Stendhal teaches simple, effective and thought-provoking lessons for any committed or married couple who wants to keep passion alive beyond the honeymoon phase. Her message: The art of intimate truth-telling is the most effective aphrodisiac of all.
Desire in Long Term Relationships: Keeping it and Finding it When It’s Gone.
In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence. Sex is a place you go, a place you enter.
In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence. This talk was presented at an official TED conference, and was featured by our editors on the home page. Jump to. Sections of this page.
For those of you who have been in a long-term relationship, you probably know well that it requires both parties involved to walk a line — to maintain that balance between security and mystery. To find that goldilocks zone between emotionally comforted and heightened at the appropriate times. The struggle is real.
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Perel explains that love is to have , but desire is to want. And if you want to have a vibrant, long-lasting love relationship, you've got to watch it. We want our spouse to be everything to us, Perel explains— to love us unconditionally, to be faithful, to care for and comfort us, share responsibilities with us, to give us equality, to help form our identity. It's pretty much like the moon, it has intermittent eclipses. But what erotic couples know is how to resurrect it.
Esther Perel has made it her mission to find some answers to our dilemmas in modern love. As she explores in this clip, the paradoxical relationship between love and desire can create tensions over time in relationships. While on the one hand we look for security, predictability, safety dependability, reliability, permanence anchoring, grounding experiences in love, on the other, we have an equally strong need for adventure, novelty, mystery, risk, danger, the unknown, unexpected, surprise, and sense of journey; and as Esther suggests, at the "heart of sustaining desire is reconciliation of [these] two fundamental human needs. Esther reasons, therefore, that the crisis of desire is often a crisis of imagination. We can become so used to the idea of love and what we have, that we ignore the idea of desire and what we want from our partners. Esther encourages couples to shift their perception and look for what makes them desire their partner. There's a sense of becoming more receptive to the mysteries about your partner, however familiar they are, to look for novelty, create more imagination, playfulness, curiosity and excitement.
There might be love. There might be commitment. There might be a solid friendship at its core. Worth it — but hard. Desire feeds physical intimacy which in turn feeds connection, nurturance and the protective guard around relationships. Intimate relationships in which desire has faded can take on the shape of housemates or colleagues. There can still be love and a deep emotional bond in these relationships, there might even still be sex, but without desire the way we see ourselves and feel about ourselves changes and will ultimately play out in the relationship.